I have had this...issue that I've been dealing with. the issue has to do with a guy friend. I know people suspect or maybe wonder, that I care about him as much more than a friend. and I know what I feel, and I know what I want to feel. I'm trying to not deal with this, am trying so hard to just lock this away but it's not working. I'm...sad. low. feeling like am about to just crumble to the floor and start crying and never be able to stop. don't get me wrong; it's not that my life is horrible and miserable because it's not. I love my classes, and my job and my SBC and going to China. My life is good and so it's not that there's something horrible in my life.
But this issue is...weighting me down. it's making me upset and sad on the inside. I talked to Brent about it, and he said that he's had talks with other people and they can all tell something is wrong so apparently my sadness is showing. we talked about it for an hour, and he's advice was either go to a counselor, or do what I KNOW I need to do to be able to deal with this. and I do know what I need to do. I don't want to go to China with this. Brent suggested I read this blog entry he wrote(click here) about overcoming fear and he referred to this passage in Luke, and I looked it up and the last verse really got to me. I don't know the context, but it made me think about that if your going to Follow Jesus, you can't really look back. it's like if your going to get married, you cannot go into it still dealing with an old love, or an old relationship or unrequited love. you have to leave all that behind and until you can, you wont really be able to give yourself the way Jesus deserves. that's the way I understood it anyway. I have my hand on the plow, am going to China, I've been working towards that and preparing since April of last year, that's almost a year, plus it's been on my mind since fall of sophomore year. I don't want to take the chance that bringing this...issue with me will negatively affect my time in China. Brent brought this up and it's something that has been in the back of my mind. maybe it wouldn't make a difference, but maybe it would and I don't want to take that chance. I know that in order to begin to deal with this,with these feelings, I need to say it. I've said it to myself, but I need to say it to the person that this is about. and that's a problem in of itself because is it right for me to tell him that?but once I tell him, it'll become real and It's the first step for me to be able to deal with this. if it's not real, I wont allow myself to deal with it. but that's scary. really scary. I know the unbelieable amount of pain that this is going to bring to me, and it's tough to do somethign that I KNOW it will bring me. so I just have to talk to God and write Him some letters about getting me some courage.
This verse was really striking to me. it makes sense to me. if you're going to follow Jesus, then you cannot be looking behind to what you left, you have to be moving forward. you cannot be hanging on to the past. you have to let it go, and in order for me to do that, I have to deal it. it's just so scary because I know what he will say, and I know how much it will hurt. but Jesus must have been beyond petrified of being cruxified, and going through all that pain, so He knows how it feels, though His is 1,000,000, 000 times worse than my pain. He'll get me through it. He'll be with me.
This verse was really striking to me. it makes sense to me. if you're going to follow Jesus, then you cannot be looking behind to what you left, you have to be moving forward. you cannot be hanging on to the past. you have to let it go, and in order for me to do that, I have to deal it. it's just so scary because I know what he will say, and I know how much it will hurt. but Jesus must have been beyond petrified of being cruxified, and going through all that pain, so He knows how it feels, though His is 1,000,000, 000 times worse than my pain. He'll get me through it. He'll be with me.
